


deadly like the drugs i used to love.

by projectfreelancer



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Character Study, Drug Addiction, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-18
Updated: 2017-03-18
Packaged: 2018-10-07 11:01:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10358970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/projectfreelancer/pseuds/projectfreelancer
Summary: raphael has never been able to say no.





	

**Author's Note:**

> warning for drug addiction (so raphael in season two) & implied abuse (the camille part)
> 
> title from the drugs by mother mother

Raphael thinks of Simon when—

There is blood flooding his mouth, there is blood threatening to pour out of his lips, there is everything all at once, and Isabelle is gasping softly at his venom-painted fangs slicing into her, and he is gasping at the heavenly, glorious taste.

(“Have you ever tasted shadowhunter blood?” Camille asks, and her smile is sickening. Raphael paints her as the devil personified.

“It’s heavenly,” she continues when he doesn’t reply, when he wants to wrap his claws around her throat and _just_ —

“I wouldn’t know,” Raphael says like an accusation, like a stake pointed at her sinful heart. She wears a wicked smile like Lucifer as He fell.)

Now he knows just how heavenly. He _knows_ , and he has heaven’s blood in his mouth, and he craves more than he ever has.

(He is young, fresh-blooded, vampire hunger settling new in him. He is newly turned, taken under Magnus’ wings like he is something worthy of redemption, but he craves dangerously. He is hungry, and there is a man on the street, and Raphael has devellis fangs, and he bites fierce, and the man tastes _delightful_ , and—

Magnus throws him to the side, blood spilling from Raphael's mouth. His stomach is full, blood bubbling inside, and he feels like an abomination. Can hear his Mother weep for forgiveness at what her son has become.)

Raphael craves, and he aches, and he begs. He may preach on about feelings toward the wretched shadowhunter, but she is merely a means to an end. She had snuck her bloody-bruised finger into his mouth and—

Raphael has never known when to say no.

(Camille opens her veins like the gates to Hell, and pulls his fangs into her. She laughs like lust, and he feels sick. He does not want this, does not want her graveyard dirt blood in his teeth. But he cannot deny her, cannot say no, has never _learned_ to, and even if he could, her hands sit on the back of his head, and pushes him further into her.)

He has never learned to say no, and—

(And he thinks of Simon when his mouth is defiled with holy angel blood. He thinks of Simon, and how he has _never_ been able to say no.

When Simon crawls out of his grave, a deadboy rising, and he is beautiful in Raphael’s eyes. He could have let this boy rot. Could have let Camille ruin him, drain him of life. Could have disagreed to ever capture him in the first place, let him continue to be an unknowing human.

He could have let him run away. Did not need to offer up his home, his soul, his _heart_. Let him run from him, let him believe Raphael is a monster. But he genuflects at the altar for Simon, as if Simon is something _heavenly_ , something more than the rest of them. Raphael tells his heart no, but he has never been able to mean the word.

And when Simon ruins his life, betrays him, all for the red haired girl with ( **heavenly** ) angel blood, Raphael cannot say no when Simon begs for his help weeks later. Simon needs help with his mother, needs more time to find Camille, needs blood to sate himself, and Raphael is not able to deny the boy anything.)

Raphael indulges in Isabelle’s wrist because he has never learned how one should say no; how one should not sacrifice themself on an altar; how selfishness can be a virtue if you let it be. He indulges because she begs, and he aches to help everyone. His fangs dig deep into her because he does not know when to say no.

He can hear his mother’s cold grave weeping for him.


End file.
